Gianicera

Gianicera. I created this word in December 2001. But the origin of this word came back way from 1999. It was in January 1999. I was at my (parents) store. I read a letter while I was listening to Boyzone, All That I Need. It’s not an ordinary letter. It was a letter from someone special (at that time). She’s studying in Singapore (at Bartley Secondary School) and it was her first reply. She said in her letter that I was the first person who sent her a letter and she was very happy because of it. (It took me quite some time to understand her feeling, that she’s lonely there, needed a friend, someone to talk to). It happened to be that she was my first love..? (maybe…I haven’t figured out for sure the definition of first love). I had this HUGE crush for her. She was my classmate at Junior High. Then she went abroad to continue her study. I never let anyone know about my feelings for her coz I had known that on of my best friend also had a BIG crush on her. I never made a move on her at Junior High coz beside my best friend thing, I was also a very shy back then (actually I’m still, on some occasions). Okay back to the letter. It was a long letter. I read it thoroughly and carefully. There were some words that made me ‘fly’. I thought that she was also developing a feeling for me. I was very excited (far more than excited actually…I just can’t find the word to describe my feeling at that moment). She wrote much about her early days there, her school, etc. And she ended her letter with I Miss U, Miss U, Miss U, I Miss U Like Crazy (It was The Moffatts’s song, I knew it instantly, but still reading it really raised my spirit to the highest level). And the naïve me felt that I got the response that I expected. And it all happened while I was listening to Boyzone album Where We Belong which I borrowed from Linda, my classmate at High School.

And then, of course I replied her letter as soon I had the time. But my heart was broken when in her (I forgot) …letter she told me that she had a bf. I read it over and over again. I couldn’t believe what I read. I was shocked. And then I sat back and tried to think about it. Then I realized that all that time she just considered me as a friend, a good friend whom she could share stories with, a friend who helped her got through her early days in a foreign country. But I still writing letter to her. We corresponded for about eight months and then we lost contact. Not really lost contact, we kept in touch, just not as often as we used to. It was in June 1999 I heard BSB’s I Want It Thay Way (I heard it for the first time before June, but the album, Millennium, was released in June 1999…if I remember correctly). The lyric really fit with my condition with her. That’s one of the reasons why I like BSB. Time went by, she went to Oz and I still had this crush for her, but like a fire, it was getting smaller and finally I could consider her as a friend.

I put a part of her name in Gianicera. The word itself has another girls’ name, since it was made from a combination of girls’ name who has impact in my life. Having a crush on someone could give extra determination and motivation. It’s like having some kind of extra energy to do the best. Later on I added another, and it became Giacellenira. But it’s another story. Why do I write about this…particularly now? The reason is simple, coz today’s her birthday. It’s her 22nd birthday. Until this second, I never told her that I had a crush on her. Sometimes I wonder what did she feel at that time, I wonder what would happened if I’d told her about my feelings. Would it be any different? I don’t know and I guess she didn’t have to know about this (I mean, what’s the use??), though I’m very sure that if she read this blog then she’ll know that she’s the one I refer to. Okay then to finish this, I want to wish her an excellent birthday, hope she can make all of her dreams come true.

Quoting her words in her 2nd letter: Saying I Love You Is The Hardest Thing To Do...
wish I knew why she wrote it....

I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys

You are my fire (were)
The one desire (used to be)
Believe when I say
I want it that way

But we are two worlds apart (yes we are)
Can't reach to your heart (I never can)
When you say
That I want it that way

CHORUS:
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake (not a mistake, but it sure ached my heart)
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say (but I had to eventually)
I want it that way

Am I your fire (? I guess not)
Your one desire (absolutely not)
Yes I know it's too late
But I want it that way

CHORUS

Now I can see that we've fallen apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah (we used to be good friends, that’s all)
No matter the distance (it was quite the distance)
I want you to know that (though I wasn’t sure to tell u)
Deep down inside of me

You are my fire (were…..the only one)
The one desire (not anymore)
You are, you are, you are, you are
Don't wanna hear you say... (but I had to)

Don't wanna hear you say,
Ain't nothin' but a heartache,
Ain't nothin' but a mistake,
(Don't wanna hear you say),
I never wanna hear you say,
I want it that way

Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a heartache,
Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a mistake,
Tell me why,
I never wanna hear you say,
(Don't wanna hear you say),
I want it that way

Tell me why...
Ain't nothin' but a heartache,
Ain't nothin' but a mistake,
Tell me why,
I never wanna hear you say,
(Never wanna hear you say it),
I want it that way

CAUSE I want it that way (but things didn't go that way)