Too little or too much?

post #240

Whoooaaaaaaaaaa..........finally have the time (and energy) to add another entry. It's probably the most exhausting and fastest two working weeks I've ever experienced. I could only recognize Monday and Friday....Friday was like... YEAHHH!!!! Weekend is waiting, Monday was like....YAHHHHH :( (Indonesian word to express dissatisfaction) The days between were in blur.

Without really realizing it, the user training was done. Next week is gonna be a crucial stage in the project, (even) long(er) working hours has set it eyes on me. as the conversion guy, my part will be very big in this stage.

Enough with that, let's brush away the negativity. The weekends were also great, gave me enough energy to survive the weekdays. Last week, as usual I played futsal, and I (once again) injured my right knee. It's quite serious at the time. On Sunday I was like a crippled. But after I massaged it regularly every night, I think it has recovered but hasn't really 100% though. It has to be fully recovered before the next game on Saturday.

Darnnn...it takes so long just to write this. I guess the linguistic part in my brain has lower it's performance since it's almost 1 AM... whatttttttt??? I've been sitting for nearly an hour to write this and all I could come up is these three lame paragraphs? Ermmm.....what else... Aha....I remember now....

Okay, today I had my 2nd music gathering which was held by a forum I'm a part of. It was great. I finally manage to sing 'Menghapus Jejakmu'. This song still proves its popularity by continue to sit nicely in my playlist...lolzzz. This time we had drummers, bassist, guitarist, keyboardist...and even documentation personnel. It's full team...yeahhhh. Ermm, despite of the fact that I was still sleepy in the first hour and my voice was the worst among the other singers... *sobs, it was a blast. It's very obvious when we sang 'That's What Friends Are For'. My excuse was I really didn't prepare myself to sing it, but still my voice was powerless. I kinda envy the others who sang better, but hey it didn't bother me since I love to sing, doesn't really matter if I suck....it only matter when people are annoyed and yell at me (plus threat me with sharp objects which surely can cause serious injury)...then I'll stop...lolzzz.

Here's the song : Menghapus Jejakmu (cover version)

But I was a little bit wondering...why does my karaoke voice (Menghapus Jejakmu (karaoke)) sound better (read:more powerful) than this one?
Hmmmm....maybe because the recorder wasn't as good as this one. Well you cannot compare a compact digicam with music studio, right? Also, I think the mic and music volume can be adjusted....

Anyway, Gene also came and brought us two boxes of donuts. Yippieeee....he came all the way just to greet us, had a lil chit chat and brought donuts. Yummyyy...the donuts were delicious. After the music gath, we went to Senayan City and I ate La Mien again.....It still tasted as delicious as I remembered.

Then I dropped Tomz off near his place on my way to MBK church. After two weeks (and exactly three months) I went back there. It still offer the same peacefulness I always feel every time I step into it. It always soothed me from all the problems and worries. This time the pastor who served the Eucharist was different with the last one.

Now I'm fully charged. Move on with the topic I've been wanting to write. Imagine this:

I was a lawyer, a successful one. Very bright and had great future lies ahead; worked in a top notch firm. I had a fiancee who's pretty, smart (not to mention that she's the boss' daughter) and loves me very much. One day I start seeing things. This vision that somehow deliver an implicit message (from God?). It wouldn't go away until I 'read' the message and follow the instruction in it (after I successfully decrypted the message). See, the thing was, it turned out that the visions I had were caused none other (scientifically and medically speaking) by aneurysm. I was shocked. I almost couldn't believe it. It meant that I could suddenly die. FYI I also had a father who also showed the same symptoms (seeing things, etc). This aneurysm explained the awkward things my father did (which I never understood and kinda made me hate him).

I decided to come clean and tell the truth to my fiancee. She was also shocked at first, overwhelmed by the fact that she could lose me anytime and had to deal with my possible awkward actions;then she said she needed some time to think, about everything. I also given a lot of thought about my condition. Then she decided that she loves me and willing to deal with this condition I had.

But I decided otherwise. This is my thought (and argument which was thoroughly prepared, just like the ones I always prepared to be presented to the jury). Here's the dialog

Me (M) : "I've given a lot of thought about it, honey and I think it's better for us to break. I know you love me; I love you too. But given my condition, and the possibility of all the things I'll put you through, the madness, the visions, the sudden death. And what about our children? I don't want to put my children in the same position I was. I love you too much to do that."

Fiancee (F) : "I've been willing to risk it all, to accept you for who you are and with all of your condition. Maybe you just don't love me that much."

The above illustration is taken from Eli Stone, a new serial I watched lately. It's a very good serial. Reminded me of Ally McBeal. There's something about lawyer world that intrigues me. :D

Anyway, what do you think about the situation (Esp from girl's point of view)?

Do I not love my fiancee enough? Is it too little or too much love? I mean she knows what she's gonna get and she still decided to stick with me. Why should I push her away? Well, in my defense, yes she loves me that much, but what about our children? They cannot choose their dad and they surely would prefer a normal dad rather than bright-lawyer-with-aneurysm-and-can-die-anytime dad. Maybe I'm just being too selfish, but I think it's better to be miserable alone that pulling everybody (inc future children) to be miserable with me.

Speaking about alone and miserable, I remember Peterpan's song, Menghapus Jejakmu (again...lolzzz), the reff was like this : 'Engkau bukanlah segalaku, bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku....' (You are not my everything, not a place for me to end my journey).

Then these questions popped out in my mind; When and where will I end my journey (this journey in life)? Who should I end my journey with? Ermmm....I'm on my way, and I haven't really thought about the latter. A friend of mine said once; with your working hours, how can you go on a date and have gf? Other said, you always most of the time spend your weekend with your homies, how can you get a gf? Try spend some time with a girl for a change...Hmmmm... Maybe I should try do that.

Still about the latter, probably due to my deteriorating faith in marriages. Too many fucked up messed up marriage examples. Why do people get married nowadays? So they can have legitimate sex? Well, you don't have to be married (if you just want) to have sex. To get money from your spouse when you get divorce? Depends on the prenupt I think. To have someone to share your life with? Ermmm...you don't have to be married to have a life partner, right? I dunno; the marriage values has also been decreasing. That's the thing with social studies/norms/whatever....it can shift through time. Boundary changes; things we considered good/holy in the past now have lost its meaning. Unlike math where 2*2 = 4. It applies till the end of time.

WTH am I talking about here....I really need to get some sleep now.....before I write something unconsciously.


Evanescence - Solitude

How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth.
How long have I stood here beside you?
I lived through you, you looked through me.

Ooh, Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?

Ooh, Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude
Only you, Only true

Everyone leaves me stranded,
forgotten, abandoned
Left behind
I can't stay here another night

Your secret admirer, who could it be?

Ooh, Can't you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?

And Ooh, Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooh, solitude
I can't stay away from you

And ooh, Solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude
Only you, Only true

*written half-consciously, finished at 2 sth AM