Happy Bithday, Mom

post #186

Happy Birthday to a very special woman in my life, my mom.

Thank you for your unconditional love all this time. I'd be lost without your love.

There are some much I've learned from her. Some of basic things in life, such as hardwork, honesty, sincerity, kind to others..etc. She always seems to have boundless energy when it comes to take care of her family. It's like one of her life mission is to nurture her children the best she can. She always put us ahead of herself. Sometimes I wonder where does she get all the energy to do all the things, all the chores she does. Maybe it's her love that gives her strength to do it all. That's why on this occasion, allow me to say thank you for everything you've done, mom....I know these words aren't enough to express my gratitude and love for you, but I'm pretty sure there are no words will be enough to say it.

I'd like to dedicate these songs just for you, mom. I hope I can be the perfect son.


Sheila On 7 - Just For My Mom

Sometimes I feel my heart so lonely but it's ok
No matter how my girl just left me and I just don't care
Whenever the rain comes down and it's seems there's no one to hold me
She's there for me, its she's my mom

(Repeat)
Just for my mom, I write my song
Just for my mom, I sing this song
Its just for mom, can wipe my tears
Its just my mom, can only here

Trap in a subway, can't remember the day but I feel ok
Damped in damn situation, in every condition with no conclusion
Whenever the rain comes down and it's seems there's no one to hold me
She's there for me, its she's my mom

You may say I have no one,to cover me under the sun
You only get it from your mom



Backstreet Boys - Perfect Fan

It takes a lot to know what is love
It's not the big thing but the little things
That can mean enough
A lot of players to get me through
There is never a day that passes by
I don't think of you
You were always there for me
Pushing me and guiding me
Always to succeed


You showed me
When i was young just how to grow
You showed me everything that i should know
You showed me just how to walk without your hands
'Cause mom you always were the perfect fan


God has been so good
With blessing me with the family
Who did all they could
And I've had many years of Grace
And it flatters me when i see a smile on your face
I wanna thank you for what you've done
In hopes I can give back to you
And be the perfect son


You showed me
When i was young just how to grow
You showed me everything that i should know
You showed me just how to walk without your hands
'Cause mom you always were the perfect fan


You showed me how to love
You showed me how to care
And showed me that you would always be there
I wanna thank you for the time
And i'm proud to say you're mine


You showed me
When i was young just how to grow
You showed me everything that i should know
You showed me just how to walk without your hands
'Cause mom you always were the perfect fan


'Cause Mom you always were, Mom you always were
Mom you always were...the perfect fan


I Love You Mom

Goodbye Hunny

post #185

It's over. No more lingering...Well, what do you expect? Who do you think you're fooling, you stupid man....Why do I still keep all of her messages back from last October? Do I secretly lean on a tiny hope that I could be the man that deserve her? That I could be good enough.....

The moment had slipped away....There's nothing left to say....
Darn....my heart still aching...need some relief.....

I can only cherish that moment...until it fades away in time...if it ever fade

Peterpan ~ Hari Yang Cerah Untuk Jiwa Yang Sepi

pagi biar kusendiri
jangan kau mendekat
wahai matahari
dingin hati yang bersedih
tak begitu tenang
mulai terabaikan

hari yang cerah untuk jiwa yang sepi
begitu terang untuk cinta yang mati
ah… ku coba bertahan dan tak bisa

kubu langit kelabuku
tak begitu luas
seperti memudar
kini tak terulang lagi
di hari yang cerah
dia telah pergi

hari yang cerah untuk jiwa yang sepi
ahh… ku coba bertahan dan tak bisa
ahh… mencoba melawan ku lepas
hari yang cerah untuk jiwa yang sepi…
begitu terang untuk jiwa yang mati

ahh… kucoba bertahan dah tak bisa
ahh… mencoba melawan ku lepas
semua telah hilang ….
semua telah ….


You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
i don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

There's nothing left to say but goodbye ...


July 11, 2007 @ 8.45 PM

I'm content....(Am I???) we talked and it was like nothing has changed...except the fact that the hope to have her, to hold her...to call her mine has vanish... Is this the feeling I need to walk with?
Yesterday I was still overwhelmed I decided to go home early, since it's obvious I couldn't work well in such condition. Instead, I read again our chat log..reliving the moment that would never come back...Why do you cling to the past? Coz past is all I have?
Am I not selfish enough not to want her so bad....to be content with this....I just can't hate her....no reason for it....Her warmth left me helpless...maybe because I care for her and realize it's for the better...?
Emotions....such a great power....just have to channel this vast energy to something constructive....like bury myself in work? yeah right...Well...this agony that's eating me from the inside will fade eventually....another lesson learned from this....

I'm Not Your Everything

post #184

"...Engkau bukanlah segalaku
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu..."


played on my ear when I was trying to call her about 2 weeks ago. I was stunned coz it catchy, easly listening and I was sure I'd had heard it before. I was sure that it's Peterpan song (I recognized Ariel's voice and singing style) but I didn't know the title. I even called her twice just to listen to the lyric, since she didn't pick up...then at that very night, I searched for this song, got it from multiply and since then I've been addicted to it.

It felt like she was trying to say something with the song.....to me. Maybe I was just reading too much into it...Dunno...my logical mind has been battling with emotions these days and it's been losing...My emotions got the best of me....is it a good thing? Not sure bout it.


"You know I'm such a fool for you...You got me wrapped around your fingers...Do you have to let it linger...do you have to....do you have to...do you have to let it linger?"


We had quite long talk the other day, it's always nice to hear her voice....she said she thought someone who hasn't been in a relationship for so long (ie...me) usually either too picky or has something wrong. Well, what if I'm both? Have I been such a successful pdf that I pseudo-unconciously have a reluctancy to start something, to be in status quo.

Maybe I was trying too hard to rekindle the moment we had, a brief moment when I fell...But now she's the one that leaves me in doubt. We had a talk about this before and we came to a consensus about how things supposed to go. But after all these times, I never thought that I'd lose my mind...


I said I wasn’t gonna lose my head, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
I wasn’t gonna fall in love again, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
And I just can’t let you go,
I can’t lose this feeling.


Have I been trying too hard to rekindle that moment we had? I still remember her words at that time, maybe we were just carried away....it's all maybe...tried to talk but it's always been my weakness to express my thoughts verbally in serious context....why we're still in status quo... We need to move on.... I need to move on...

She read my MSN status where I quoted Gwen's song....

"And all I know is...You've got to give me everything...Nothing less 'cause...You know I give you all of me"

what if all of me is not good enough for her?

"...but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that"

Yes, she deserves more than that. I wrote on my previous blog, yes you like somebody and let say hypothetically the feeling is mutual, then what? I've been giving lots of thoughts and maybe some of them are too far ahead.....too focused on the compatibility issues...


Could I be good enough
Could I be good enough
If the going got worse
And the worse got rough
The days became endless
And harder than tough
I’d be good enough
Better than best
Would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give
Doesn’t seem like a lot
If it’s all that I got
Baby tell that could be good enough


Am I good enough for her? Am I better than the best?
Never thought that my fortress wall can be crumbled without being noticed. But that's ok, it has been repaired now. Dunno the rest of the story...coz it's still unwritten and though I have a little confidence, this doubt is still irritating.....will it end like James Blunt's song? I'll leave it up to you....God

"But it's time to face the truth...I will never be with you..."


A little recap, works been great, got ahead of the schedule, played bowling yesterday plus went home early, watched Music n Lyric on Tuesday...a great movie. And another great news I got today was that Livia's three months pregnant....wowwwww......congratss......!!!!

Last week I finally went karaoke with my buds and of course the first song that I sing was Peterpan - Menghapus Jejakmu. Here's the cover version....by me.

"...Aku bukanlah segalamu
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahmu
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar kucoba hapus jejakmu..."


Peterpan – Menghapus Jejakmu (cover version by me)

Terus melangkah melupakanmu
Lelah hati perhatikan sikapmu
Jalan pikiranmu buatku ragu
Tak mungkin ini tetap bertahan

Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu
Kucoba untuk terus menjauh
Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu
Kucoba untuk lanjutkan itu

Engkau bukanlah segalaku
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Terus melangkah melupakanmu
Belah hati perhatikan sikapmu
Jalan pikiranmu buatku ragu
Tak mungkin ini tetap bertahan

Perlahan mimpi terasa mengganggu
Kucoba untuk terus menjauh
Perlahan hatiku terbelenggu
Kucoba untuk lanjutkan itu

Engkau bukanlah segalaku
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Lepaskan segalanya
Lepaskan segalanya

Engkau bukanlah segalaku
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahku
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hujan menghapus jejakmu

Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana


my own revised version of the lyric


Divine Distinction - Hapus Jejakku

Berat langkahku menepikanmu
Bukan maksud ‘tuk bersikap begitu
Ingin kuungkapkan isi hatiku
Kuingin ini tetap bertahan

Perlahan mimpi berangsur memudar
Kucoba simpan bayang wajahmu
Perlahan hati mulai meragu
Kucoba terus kecap hangatmu

Aku bukanlah segalamu
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahmu
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hatimu hapus jejakku

Berat langkahku menepikanmu
Bukan maksud ‘tuk bersikap begitu
Ingin kuungkapkan isi hatiku
Kuingin ini tetap bertahan

Perlahan mimpi berangsur memudar
Kucoba simpan bayang wajahmu
Perlahan hati mulai meragu
Kucoba terus kecap hangatmu

Aku bukanlah segalamu
Bukan tempat tuk hentikan langkahmu
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hatimu hapus jejakku

Lepaskan segalanya
Lepaskan segalanya

Aku bukanlah segalamu
Ada yang lebih baik untuk kamu
Usai sudah semua berlalu
Biar hatimu hapus jejakku

Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana
Nanananana

Ecclesiastes Three

post #183

Part 1: Opening
Another busy week. It feels like my life just revolves only around working and sleeping. The only social interaction I've had is with my colleagues, usually talking about work. It's been months now since the last time I hung out with my homies. Agus has already been asking me when we'll go karaoke again. David has also been busy with his work, thus we don't have much (or should I say any) time to spend together. The only thing that keeps me in balance maybe the movies I watched last weekend after I, Tomz and Cybelle went to Atmajaya mourning house to pay last respect to Mira's father who passed away almost two weeks ago. Working such a long hours have made my mind become numb. I usually have some idea to write on my blog, but lately, it seem hard to find. Or when I found it, but I got distracted again by work and it's gone. Days seem to pass very fast and all the sudden another week has passed. I can barely remember what was I doing last sunday. I think I was watching Boy and Girl Thing. Lite and entertaining comedy movie with simple yet good moral message. Not to mention Samaire Armstrong looked very beautiful in that movie. Then there's Next with Nicolas Cage and Jessica Biel. It'd be nice to have Nicolas Cage ability, which is to see the future (well although it's only for two minutes ahead). It may be handy in approaching a girl..lolzzz. Luckily I didn't have to come in to the office yesterday, instead I took the chance to sleep like a pig, something I haven't done in quite some time. Instead I watched Smallville season 6. Finally wrapped it up last nite. No more crush on Kristin Kreuk. After more than 5 years, it finally fades away.

Part 2: Main
Today is sunday. It's not ordinary sunday, well at least for a particular person who's celebrating her birthday today. How many years has it been? It's almost been 9 years. Time do flies. There's a reason why I choose Ecclesiastes Three for this blog entry. Not just because the main idea for this entry is about timing. It's been three years since my last relationship. It took three years since I broke up with my first gf to have another gf. Both my crushes were born in June. Both girls that liked me born in September. Both my ex-girlfriends born in December. Hmmm....is this some kind of pattern? My mind unconciously looking for December born girl to be my gf while in the meantime crushing for June born girl? Is it something to do with the horoscope (Yeah right... *chuckle)? Then who's gonna be my third (and hopefully last) gf?....hmmmmm

Well like I said, today's her birthday. It's nice to remember how liking someone can be such a good motivator, beside anger. Quoting Ecclesiastes 3:1, There's an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.

There's a time to like someone...
A time to hold back our feelings...A time to move on...
I remember there's a nice line in a movie (forgot which one), "You may not control your emotions, but you can control your actions". Yeahh..sometimes liking someone is an unlogical thing. You may not know what makes you like that person, you just do. Though maybe that person is very different from you, or very similar... Okay so you like a person. Then what? .......... (please fill in the blanks..lolzzz)

A time to hold on...A time to let go....
A time to work my ass off...hahahaha
A time to write blog...
A time to hang out with friends...
A time to enjoy solitude....

Relating to Mira's loss, a time to mourn....

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1: There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.
2: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
3: A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.
4: A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
5: A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
6: A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
7: A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
8: A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Part 3: Closure
So...what time is it for now?
I think it's time to take a break from writing blog, work and get a gf...lolzzz
I need to gather more inspiration from things life have taught me, from the voices inside my head and write it in my blog since lately I've been numb and life has been in mono.

Happy Birthday to you know who....wish you all the best in life... you were my fire...the one desire....believe when I say, it's better that way...

New Look

post #182

System is down...I repeat, system is down. After a very slow (and somewhat frustrating) response, the system finally gave up in the afternoon. Preliminary estimation said it'd take about an hour or so to fix the system but it turned out that it wouldn't be soon...so here I am..free....lolz. It's very unusual.

I feel fresh this week, well thanks to a day off on Friday. Finally finished watching House season 2, Heroes season 1 and now on the verge of finishing Lost season 2. Just one more episode to watch. But I still have Smallville season 6, 24 season 6, Gilmore Girls season 7, Desperate Housewives season 3, House season 3, Lost seasons 3 that wait to be watched. So many of them....lolzzz...

Before I moved to Lost, I watched Curse of Golden Flower. A good movie and unlike Hollywood typical movies, it didn't end happily, more realistic I think. The ending song was Jay's and it was a good mellow song. Most of his sad songs are great.

I also made some modification to my blog. Thanks to some sites, one of them is this that provide cool things such as 3 columns blogger templates, sudoku, and beautiful background image that I currently use. Well, I had to make some modification on the XML, but it's not too difficult. The result is satisfying. But on Monday I discovered a bug when I displayed this blog on a widescreen monitor. Thanks to Tomz, I managed to make the background for 'S' emblem to be transparent so it's not a problem anymore. About the background, since at first I used 1024x768 resolution, when I displayed it in 1280x800 resolution it didn't fit perfectly. So I had to made some modification too. Now it looks perfect in widescreen, but I still need to test it on XGA resolution.

Well...I'm gonna watch Smallville now, enjoy this song and the new, fresh(I hope) look of my blog..

周杰倫 |Zhou Jie Lun |Jay Chou
菊花台 | Ju Hua Tai | Chrysanthemum Flower Bed

妳　的淚光　柔弱中帶傷
ni / de lei guang / rou ruo zhong dai shang
Your tears reflect pain in its tenderness

慘白的月彎彎　勾住過往
can bai de yue wan wan / gou zhu guo wang
The pale white crescent moon hooks onto the past

夜　太漫長　凝結成了霜
ye / tai man chang / ning jie cheng le shuang
The endless night freezing into frost

是誰在閣樓上　冰冷的絕望
shi shui zai ge lou shang / bing leng de jue wang
Who is in the loft, in icy cold despair


雨　輕輕彈　朱紅色的窗
yu / qing qing tan / zhu hong se de chuang
Rain gently bouncing off the vermillon window

我一生在紙上　被風吹亂
wo yi sheng zai zhi shang / bei feng chui luan
My entire life on paper, messed up by the wind

夢　在遠方　化成一縷香
meng / zai yuan fang / hua cheng yi lv xiang
Dreams become faint in a faraway place

隨風飄散　妳的模樣
sui feng piao san / ni de mo yang
The image of you, drifting in the wind

＊菊花殘　滿地傷　妳的笑容已泛黃
ju hua can / man di shang / ni de xiao rong yi fan huang
Crushed chrysanthemums reflect our pain. Your smile has faded

花落人斷腸　我心事靜靜躺
hua luo ren duan chang / wo xin shi jing jing tang
Hearts broken into million pieces like petals falling, I lay my troubles aside

北風亂　夜未央　妳的影子剪不斷
bei feng luan / ye wei yang / ni de ying zi jian bu duan
Northern winds gush and the night is still young. Unable to shake off your shadow

徒留我孤單　在湖面　成雙＊
tu liu wo gu dan / zai hu mian / cheng shuang
Leaving me alone with my reflection in the water


花　已向晚　飄落了燦爛
hua / yi xiang wan / piao luo le can lan
Flowers at dusk, fallen splendor

凋謝的世道上　命運不堪
diao xie de shi dao shang / ming yun bu kan
Withering social values, Unthinkable fate

愁　莫渡江　秋心拆兩半
chou / muo du jiang / qiu xin chai liang ban
Don’t cross the river. Worries tearing my heart into half

怕妳上不了岸　一輩子搖晃
pa ni shang bu liao an / yi bei zi yao huang
Afraid that you will be unable to get back ashore, floating for the rest of your life


誰　的江山　馬蹄聲狂亂
shui / de jiang shan / ma ti sheng guang luan
Whose territory is this? Hysterical galloping of horses

我一身的戎裝　呼嘯滄桑
wo yi shen de rong zhuang / hu xiao cang sang
Fully armoured, My life whizzed me by

天　微微亮　妳輕聲的嘆
tian / wei wei liang / ni qing sheng de tan
Coming dawn, you sigh softly

一夜惆悵　如此委婉
yi ye chou chang / ru ci wei wan
A melancholy night such tactful indirectness

REPEAT＊＊

Do You Know (this song)?

post #181

Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know (Ping Pong Song)

Do you know?
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
(Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?)
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe if I knew all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
(Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?)
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
If you just don’t talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
There's a question: Is she needed?
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did
I could never see us ending like this.

(Do you know?)

Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that’s never ever happened to me.

(Do you know?)

But after this episode I don’t see
You could never tell the next thing life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
(Do you know how it feels?)
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?
(Do you know how it feels?)

(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)

---
Do you know what it feels like to want something that is out of your reach?
(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
Do you know what it feels like longing for something that may not even meant for you?
(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)

Here Is Gone

post #180

Goo Goo Dolls - Here Is Gone

You and I got something
But its all and then its nothing to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah

And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

#
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
We got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

*
And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

#,*

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past thats in between us
And Im not holding on
And all your lies werent enough to keep me here

*

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
And I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

---

Here is gone....we are gone....